Title: My Only

Rating: PG-13 (For Helena's Litter Mouth)

Pairing: Helena/Barbara

Author: Wizard Inc. (A subsidiary of Virtual Crack Productions)

Authorís E-mail: Marvelwizard@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: By a cruel twist of fate I own none of the characters, so please donít get mad and sue.

Authorís note: This is a precurser of sorts to my first attempt at a Helena/Barbara series,I want to thank everyone who offered to help me, dont worry im gonna need you still. This is Fist person POV fic, as it is supposed to be a letter. I know I should finish other stuff, but Its been buggin me, so I had to do it. Thanks to Retz and Holly, and everyone else for the help and encouragement. Oh and I was listining to Kelly Clarkson(grrowl )while I wrote, so if ya get that de ja vu thing while reading this, dont worry its not just you.

 

My Only

 

Dear Barbara,

Fuck, where do I start . I'm writing this letter to say so many thngs. Goodbye, thank you, I'm sorry. I will never leave you Barbara, I will always be by your side, I will always be your friend. Part of me has to say goodbye, part of me is dying. not being able to love you, the way my heart aches too. It's amazing how you make me feel. There are times when I get so pissed at you, unable to check myself. letting my wild side run rampent across the rooftops, with only your stern voice tethering me. Then there are times when my body is on fire, memories ripping at me, my heart so elated with joy, I'd swear I was on some fucking wonder drug. I try not to look at you with my heart, but I cant help it sometimes. You don't want me, I understand, but I want you to know, you are the only one, you always have been. I know I boast, I bullshit, I know it hurts you, even when it amuses you. I'm sorry. I had you once, my first, my only. I was young, too young probably, but through all my anger and grief, you made me feel, oh god you made me feel. But you dont love me, I wish you did, I dont understand sometimes.

You kill me everyday,crush my world. Being so close to someone shouldnt make you feel so alone. Your so damn smart, havent you figured it out. The kid has I think, in her own annoying little sister kind of way she suggested I talk to you, or email you, or something. I love the kid to death but sometimes I swear she channels Alfred, it's fucking creepy. Anyway, so hear I am pouring out my muddled heart, into a letter you will probably never read, not that it would make any fucking sense if you did anyway. There are times when you saturate me, its hard to eat, sleep, I ma reduced to a mubling mass of soap operatic cliches and songs. It makes me feel so juvinile and sometimes I feel like a battered down widow, pinning for the lost love, standing with a sense of sadness and fear, on the shore of an endless Lake. I stand waiting for your ship to come ashore, bringing you back into my arms,

Shit, see I told you, you even make me wax fucking poetic. Don't smile, that cute little smile, it's not funny you know. Its the little things you know, like your smile. How far would you go Barbara?, would you die in my arms, if I were dead too? Ok fucking morbid much, Jesus Christ, sorry. God, you smell good, do you know that?, it turns me on so much, your scent. But its more than that, it makes me feel safe, in ways I dont understand. You know what else. you fucking scare me, you terrify me. What could I ever give you?, What could I ever mean to you? Am I just fading away, do you even see me anymore? I didnt think it would hurt this much, falling in love with you. I guess its just a beautiful disaster isnt it? I suppose I just drown myself in hopeful extremes. I guess your just more heaven than I can hold. If you would only give me the chance. But if you have to pretend darlin, thats fine, but its going to be tough you know. I think I'm gonna break down completely here soon. So where do I start, I love you Barbara, I'm a mess, but I love you. So I guess I'm writing this letter to say goodbye...

Love Always,

Helena