 | ShatterStorm Productions
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| ShatterStorm Productions
|
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I think when I first saw you I thought you were perfect by nature. I thought you were better, smarter, beautiful, and everything I thought I already was. I can admit that I was conceded; I can admit that it is a shield against the realities of my life.
It was easy being mean and pretending not to care. It was easy for me to act like I didn't pay attention to you. I did it so well, I think I actually started to believe that we would never be friends and we would never get along. I started to believe that we were meant to be at best cordially polite.
I fooled everyone including myself, especially myself. I let time go by and kept up my own foolishness. I saw how much I hurt you and I went on. I went on being a person I actually don't like that much anymore.
It doesn't seem like I'll ever really know why I pushed you away. Sometimes I think I've got an answer, but it never seems to fit my actions. Jealousy doesn't seem strong enough, envy seems too much so.
Where does it come from?
I had to fight in my life to make it a good one. I had to claw up a mountain, bloodying my hands and rubbing my skin raw. I had to win every battle so that I could survive just another day without wanting… without succumbing to an addiction. It's still there you know? It will never go away.
I've done so much to be proud of. I've done so much that I want to be proud of. I look back at my life then I look at you. At first I didn't see it. At first I was too consumed with my foolishness and I couldn't see it.
I look at you now, I watch you and I want to punish myself for my stupidity.
We seem so different. We seem so far apart. People look at us and they think we represent the moon and the sun. They see two people who are so separated that they can never see the other.
But I've watched you now. I took over my self-made blinders for long enough to see your spirit. I saw it shine so brightly and I recognized it as a mirror of my own. I saw in you, finally, probably the only person that could actually ever understand me.
For all our outward differences, I've seen me in you. I've seen it and I can't make it go away. I can't ignore it; it's too much of a pull. I don't even think pull is the right word. I think I would actually call it desire. It's a burning desire to know you. It's a desire to understand why you are a part of me. I want to know how I could have separated us so much, but you remain the only person who's closest to me.
Maybe I pushed you away from my fear. Maybe I didn't want to be discovered. Maybe this world is one big joke and you're my punch- line.
I don't know. Right now I don't want to know. It's not important why the world is what it is. I don't care about that anymore.
There're more important things for me to do. I'll let the world pass me by right now, because I know where I need to be. I know my place now.
If you don't want me, if you refuse, I'm not going to give up. I've seen what I want now and I don't like losing out. I'll give up almost everything to see the part of you that is still hidden from me.
It probably will seem crazy to you that I actually followed you here. I don't want to start as a stalker, but I know that if I don't confront you here and now, then I may lose my chance forever. I will have used up all my chances and you will probably end up out of my reach.
I'm shaking and my courage is weak at best. I feel sick to my stomach, and I'm not sure my armor can be put back on. I don't even know if I should try putting it back on.
Okay. So I'm just a few steps away. I have to remember how to walk. I have to remember how to breathe.
"I really don't think you should drive right now," I don't recognize my voice, but I didn't expect that I would.
You looked surprised to see me, but soon all I see is anger. It's so easy for us now isn't it? "What do you care?"
"I care more than I ever thought I would," I take a chance and move closer to you.
"What's that supposed to mean?" You're drunk and probably won't remember much of this, but that shouldn't matter.
"It means I'm not going to let you do this."
Your laugh is a harsh. "You can't always get your way."
"I can if I want it badly enough."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
I'm not sure I know really. "It means I love you too much to let you destroy yourself." Finally I have your attention. "It means I'm here to help."
You look at me for a long time. You look at me too long for my own comfort. "Go away." Your voice isn't strong anymore. It's desperate.
I get confidence from somewhere and step up right in front of you. "No."
You blink your eyes rapidly. You look so lost. "Go away."
"No."
I don't know how it happens, but you end up in my arms broken and in tears. I hold you tightly to my body and can't help but share in your tears, in your pain. My spirit breaks with yours.
When you stop crying you look up to me. You ask me if I'm real. I tell you that I am and raise you from the cold cement we have fallen to. I put you in my car and drive you to my home. I tuck you into my bed and watch over you while you sleep.
I make a silent promise to you that together we'll make our spirits happy again. We'll do things right this time. I promise to you that I'll show you you're worth more than I can ever hope to give you, but I'll also show you that I'll never give up. Even if you don't want me, I'll help you be happy.
