Title: Not Alex
Author: Femvamp
Disclaimer: As Willow said on BTVS, a vague disclaimer is nobody's friend, so I won't be vague. I DO NOT OWN L&O:SVU. Someone does who is not me.
Note: Warning muse in a mood, expect angst.



She was not Alex.

Everyone made sure she knew that early on. The little looks they got. The things they said. Even when they were trying to be kind or when she won a case, it was written all over their faces. She was not Alex.

And they wanted Alex.

It was like living with a ghost. Or even worse a martyr. Because in the end, that was what Alex was, wasn't she. A martyr for the cause of truth and justice. Someone who died in her prime.

A ghost.

A legend.

How could she compete with that?

And why did she want to?

The answer always came back to one person. Olivia Benson.

At first all she wanted to do was prove herself to the dynamic detective, but later it became something more. There was something frantic in her need to make the detective notice her.

And yet all she ever noticed was the one thing everyone already knew.

She was not Alex.

When she was being completely honest with herself, she'd admit that she was in love with Olivia. But she was rarely honest with herself. She liked the lie. In its own way it was comforting. All she wanted was respect. Not love.

Maybe one day she would have Olivia's respect. Olivia's love was too much to wish for, even if the rumors she heard about her and Alex were not true.

Then Alex returned. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. She came back. The great Alex Cabot had returned.

But then she left again, as quickly as she came leaving behind friends to morn for her.


And again it became perfectly apparent that she would never be Alex. No matter how much she tried she would never have the respect and the love that Alex had.

It would never be enough.

It didn't matter how many rapist, child molesters and killers she put in jail. She would never have the one thing she wanted.

She would always be Not Alex.